You’re never going to persuade each other.

Not as long as you contradict each other. You’re just reacting and trying (in vain) to change each other’s minds.

Do you want a relationship today? Then stop what you’re doing. Give up on persuasion. Aim for better goals.

Follow this simple process, each taking a turn to be Speaker and Listener.

Speaker:

• state your point of view.

• use I statements, not you statements.

• include your emotions.

• refrain from blame, criticism, and contempt.

• focus on what you want (not what you don’t want).

Listener:

• wait your turn. Listen to Speaker’s point of view as sympathetically as possible.

• notice their emotion.

• stay silent except for questions for clarification.

• don’t ask questions that challenge.

• don’t correct facts or show disagreement.

When Speaker’s done stating their point of view, Listener summarizes what they heard:

• be generous, as if you were advocating Speaker’s point of view.

Speaker, listen quietly to the entire summary:

• clarify anything Listener didn’t seem to grasp.

• don’t argue; just help them to summarize your point of view to your satisfaction.

Listener, try again:

• You’re done when you’ve stated Speaker’s point of view to their satisfaction.

Now, trade roles and repeat the process.

When you finish, you haven’t persuaded each other. So what? If you want a relationship, your goals are building respect, understanding, and connection between you.

Sources: Anatoly Rapoport, John Gottman, & Julie Gottman. Adapted by Alan Rutherford.