You’re never going to persuade each other.

Not as long as you contradict each other. You’re just reacting now.

Do you want to understand each other’s point of view? Do you want a relationship today? Then stop what you’re doing. You’re never going to persuade each other.

Follow this simple process, each taking a turn to be Speaker and Listener.

Speaker:

• state your point of view.

• use I statements, not you statements.

• include your emotions.

• refrain from blame, criticism, and contempt.

• focus on what you want (not what you don’t want).

Listener:

• wait your turn. Listen to Speaker’s point of view as sympathetically as possible.

• notice their emotion.

• stay silent except for questions for clarification.

• don’t ask questions that challenge.

• don’t correct facts or show disagreement.

When Speaker’s done stating their point of view, Listener summarizes what they heard:

• be generous, as if you were advocating Speaker’s point of view.

Speaker, listen quietly to the entire summary:

• clarify anything Listener didn’t seem to grasp.

• don’t argue; just help them to summarize your point of view to your satisfaction.

Listener, try again:

• You’re done when you’ve stated Speaker’s point of view to their satisfaction.

Now, trade roles and repeat the process.

When you’re done, you haven’t necessarily persuaded or changed each other’s minds. But you will have both had a chance to express yourself fully and be heard with respect. Then, and only then, can you attempt to persuade and influence each other.

The important thing is this: whether or not anyone changes their mind, you will still be connected.

Sources: Anatoly Rapoport, John Gottman, & Julie Gottman. Adapted by Alan Rutherford.