Have a meta-conversation

Certain issues are hard to talk about. Even with dear people you trust, such as a close friend or relationship partner.

Why? Maybe your family or culture always avoided the issue. Maybe you find it embarrassing. Maybe it’s beyond embarrassing, connected to shame for you or your partner. Or maybe you just tell yourself you’re not good at starting and holding conversations.

I suggest starting with a meta-conversation. Prepare for a tricky conversation by talking about the conversation itself first.

Think of it like preparing for a meeting: have you ever bad meetings that were poorly planned? They lacked elements of good meetings, including advance notice, an agenda, a schedule, a moderator, expectations, and an ice-breaker, and an end time.

Holding a meta-conversation is a lot easier than planning a meeting, but it provides the same things: consideration, safety, comfort, and structure.

To start a meta-conversation, you can say:

Hey, I want to talk about something but I’m having a hard time knowing how to start. Can we talk about it sometime?

Pick a time for a meta-conversation. Ask each other these questions:

Q: What makes talking about this topic hard for you?

Q: When have we done well at talking about it? —what did we do?

Q: Share your fears about discussing this issue.

Q: Agree on a plan about what to do if one of us gets flooded or angry.

Q: What are you hoping to cover when we talk about it?

Q: What kind of response are you hoping for from me?