Three stages of relationships

Relationships can be a source of disappointment.

They start out easy. That’s why people enter them! They feel amazing. Lovebirds treat each other well. Expectations soar.

Then the feelings dip. Sky-high expectations can no longer be met. This happens to nearly every couple. Does it have to?

Yes, it does. Check out this graphic:

Three Stages of Relationships

Stage 1 feels so amazing, because it’s romantic, and—let’s call it what it is—unrealistic. Partners are high on oxytocin (the ‘cuddle hormone’) and dopamine (the reward hormone). Yet they don’t even know each other well. They’ve focused on the positive parts of each other, and haven’t been tested by challenges yet.

Stage 2 is inevitable and normal. The hormones drop. Partners feel a let down. Losing sky high expectations is disappointing. Struggling through challenges isn’t fun. As partners weakest parts get exposed, they ask, does this person still want me? It is a test of whether they’re loved and accepted unconditionally.

Stage 3 is good news. It is the most pleasurable and satisfying stage. Couples who work through the challenges of Stage 2 and stick together get rewarded with an emotionally safe, secure relationship that’s based on reality. Research shows that the dopamine continues to flow in long term relationships, and we get vasopressin thrown in. Vasopressin is the hormone associated with long-term attachments.

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A couple came to me for help who appeared to be in the middle of Stage 2. They were discouraged: “We want to get back to what we had at the beginning. It was so amazing.”

After looking at the Three Stages graphic, the boyfriend had a realization:

“Wow! We can’t ever go back. And that’s a good thing.”