Struggle for acceptance

Couples feel disappointed when relationships get hard.

Relationships typically start out easy. That’s why people enter them! They feel amazing. Lovebirds treat each other well. Expectations soar.

Over time, romantic illusions slip away, and sky high expectations can no longer be met. This let down happens to every couple. Does it have to?

Yes. But there’s good news. Check out this graphic:

Three Stages of Relationships

This explains why Stage 1 felt so amazing. It was romantic. Partners were high on oxytocin (the ‘cuddle hormone’) and dopamine (the reward hormone). They didn’t know each other fully, and the relationship hadn’t yet been tested by facing challenges together.

It explains why Stage 2 is inevitable and normal. The stimulating hormones drop— that’s a let down. Giving up on sky high expectations is disappointing. Struggling through challenges isn’t fun, either. When our partner sees our weakest parts, we ask, will this person still want me? These steps are the only way to learn if we’re loved and accepted unconditionally. They’re essential steps in forming an emotionally safe, secure relationship.

The good news is that Stage 3 is the most pleasurable and satisfying of all. A couple gets rewarded with a stable relationship for doing the work of Stage 2. Research shows that the dopamine continues to flow in long term relationships, and we get vasopressin thrown in. Vasopressin is the hormone associated with long-term attachments.

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A couple came to me for help who appeared to be in the middle of Stage 2. They were getting discouraged. “We want to get back to what we had at the beginning. It was amazing.”

After looking at the Three Stages graphic, one of them had a realization:

“Wow! We can’t ever go back. And that’s a good thing.”