P.A.U.S.E.

When partners argue, they may react to each other. A sudden shift occurs, and they act as if they’ve forgotten they’re lovers, perceiving and treating each other more like adversaries.

I’m using Daniel Siegel’s research on attunement and collaborative communication to create a tool for disrupting this shift. The tool gives a couple time to breathe and attune to what each other is experiencing, remember the unity they have, talk about it, and see each other with empathy.

I’m working on an acronym.

Pause - breathe - to slow things down, delay talking, and relax.

Attune - to your own emotional state & your partner’s. Try to pick up on both.

Unite - let go of defensive and adversarial thoughts. Seek unity.

Speak - your own feelings & ask your partner about theirs.

Empathize - see your partner as if their world is just as real as yours.

Practice:

How to start:

Ask your partner: Can we pause?

The speaking step is the only step that involves direct interaction. It will take the most practice. Use the emotions poster if needed.

One partner goes first. They might say: I’m feeling ___ right now. How about you? Are you feeling ___? Does that resonate? Tell me.

The other partner responds. The can say: That’s pretty accurate. I’m feeling ___… (or if not): Mmm, I’m feeling more ___ actually. And you’re feeling ___?… I wondered if you’re also feeling a bit ___?

Partners are always reading each other’s signals and guessing how they’re feeling. Collaborative communication gives permission to ask, to guess, and to get it wrong sometimes. No one always guesses correctly. That’s okay. Getting it wrong and being corrected gently is great. It’s a chance to learn how to read each other’s signals. And to experience emotional safety while we’re at it.