When your partner is critical, ask this.

A couple told me they needed a signal they could send to each other when one perceives that the other is being critical. They wanted it to be encoded so that they could use it in the presence of other people (especially their kids).  

My suggestion:

Warmly and calmly ask a critical partner this question:

“Can you lend me an E.A.R.?”

It invites them (using secret code 😉) to pause and share three things: an EMOTION, an APPRECIATION, and a REQUEST.

Why these three things?  

EMOTION: Emotional attunement builds intimacy.

Whatever emotion your critical partner is feeling, if you ask them to talk about it, and you pay attention and show understanding, you’re on your way to repairing what could have been a rupture. Your partner will need to be open to telling you their feelings, of course. Actual feelings. I can’t emphasize this enough—learn the difference between actual feelings and false feelings, which cause all kinds of problems.

APPRECIATION: Appreciation is an antidote to critique.

Asking your partner to share something they appreciate about you, eg, something you do, or who you are, invites them to access the positive sentiments they have about you. It goes without saying that this improves the moment and benefits your relationship.

REQUEST: Requests are the antidote to criticism.

Esther Perel says “behind every criticism is a longing.” Whenever we get critical, we need to consider what unmet desire is behind that. Your request-for-a-request requires your partner to consider what they’re wanting. Ask for a doable request. Or for something unrelated to the current upset—anything that would improve the moment, eg, a back-scratch, a walk, or a compliment. Either way, you’re helping them move from a negative rebuke and end on an actionable, positive request.